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search for a comedy clip


I am trying to track down a sketch I heard several years ago
about running a training session. It was based around a pirate ship scenario and I think it was a BBC radio programme, Does anyone remember any more details?
Judi Geisler

7 Responses

  1. Maybe?
    I vaguely remember something on Radio 4 that included the line “Pirates always speaks in the 3rd person singular”. I can’t remember any more than that or whether it was about training. Possibly involved Andy Hamilton?

    The BBC have a very good helpline for things like this, but I agree a few more details wouldn’t go amiss.

  2. Pirates – We Need Training!
    I think this may have been a Monty Python-type programme. I heard the clip once and thought it was excellent. I remember the last line, in response to ‘What do you Want?! Which was.. “We want Training”. There was a context about being given everything the pirate leader thought they needed, villages to pillage etc, but the men weren’t satisfied… so what DID they want…. they wanted TRAINING!!! Good luck. I would really appreciate hearing if you find it, as I’d like a copy too.
    Regards Brenda Isles

  3. That’s ‘cos you’re Pirates!
    And ever since Pirates begins, pirates only speaks in the present tense, does Pirates. First man on this ship as uses the past or pluperfect tense, dies where he stands!

    Cracking sketch, I think it’s from a programme called the Million Pound Radio Show, from the BBC. You should be able to get it on a BBC Canned Laughter tape through BBC Customer Enquiry.

    If you have no joy, come back to me, I’ve an old copy. Aye Me Hearties!



  4. The Pirate Ship
    The Pirate Ship

    This was a ship that was going nowhere. Soon after setting sail it became apparent to the crew that their captain had no sense of direction, no map and very limited navigation skills.

    Eventually mutiny broke out and the captain was locked up. The crew asked him where they were destined for, but the captain had no idea and explained that he had left port in a hurry forgetting to pack a map.
    As the crew were arguing about what to do with the captain, a cry was heard from the crow’s nest, “Pirates!”
    Before the crew had time to think, the pirates had boarded the ship and were creating havoc.
    The crew fought back bravely but to no avail and were quickly overpowered.
    The pirates returned back to their own ship in triumph with all of the supplies and cargo.
    “Now what?” the crew asked the captain.
    The captain assessed the damage to the ship and said,
    “This will never happen to my ship again. What we need is a plan.”
    He sat down with some of the senior sailors and brainstormed some ideas.
    By the end of the day they had come up with a mission statement, a strategic plan and a rough map of the surrounding area.
    The captain organised a brief for all of the sailors. The crew were happy with the plan but some of them were unsure of what was expected of them.
    The captain organised training for the sailors that were unsure and sent them on an intensive training programme where they learnt about navigation, swashbuckling and looting.
    “Now,” said the captain, “ we can set sail again and just wait until we meet up with those pirates!”


    Every ship, however adventurous needs some direction.


    Motivation-Goal Setting-Success-Leadership and Team Building.

  5. John Cleese
    Isn’t this one of the John Cleese series – available through the BBC I think?

  6. Here …
    Steve Adlard is right, and thanks for the extract: still makes me hoot! For details of where to get it:

    “Bizarrely, The Million Pound Radio Show has achieved a certain amount of fame outside its regular Radio 4 audience, thanks to an unassuming and fairly typical sketch about a band of mutinous pirates who demand a Training Day (pressing their captain for the chance to “compare work methods and prioritise objectives, damn your eyes!”) A number of people apparently telephoned the BBC to say this was the funniest thing they’d heard on the radio for years, and the sketch was repeated (following listener requests) on a compilation highlighting the best moments of that year’s programming, since when it has become a staple item on countless audio compilations and airline in-flight comedy channels. It was even mentioned (with accompanying cartoon) on the front of the BBC Radio Collection cassette of the series.

    See also: The Million Pound Radio Show (BBC Radio Collection 1993, ZBBC 1417, ISBN 0 563 406313) “

  7. I am looking for it too
    I tried to get it from the BBC shop but they have not got it. Steve Adlard mentionned that he had an old copy, would it be possible to email a copy?
    Many Thanks



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