Have you ever experienced a time when no one seemed to want to be your friend, your ally? That it did not matter what you did, that everyone had something else they would rather be doing, someone else they would rather be with? You did not exist; you were the invisible person desperate to be heard?
How did it make you feel? How did you react? What did it take for you to find a way through the situation; to once more feel that you were valued & recognised? Does the memory still make you shudder, or can you look back with pride on a lesson well learnt?
Most of us will recognise the feelings my 11 year old was expressing this week; the fear, the shame, the confusion, the longing & most of all the over-riding need to be liked, to be appreciated & sought after.
I know, from my work coaching emerging leaders, that when faced with a situation like this all too often our first instinct is to hide, to pretend that it will all go away, that it is entirely the fault of the other party; that we are the victim & not a contributory factor.
Yet when we do find the courage to ask ourselves "what can I do to sort this out?" we realise we can overcome the hurt. We can stop being the victim and instead see it as an opportunity to see ourselves how the world sees us.
The Johari Window is probably the most famous model for identifying our 'blind spot'; that part of ourselves that we do not see but is so obvious to others. As L&D Professionals most of us know about it, but how easily do we access it?
This week I learnt that when dealing with the ultimate group of 'emerging leaders' (a group of 11 year olds) that they too can give really effective and powerful feedback to each other simply by being asked to help & share what they are feeling.
It takes courage to ask for feedback and, regardless of our age, is rarely easy to accept on first listen; but if it is given with the intention of helping another person it is the most amazing gift we can get. It is, I believe, a privilege to receive feedback. It is a way of making sense of what so often confuses us - the reaction of others.
My daughter is struggling to adapt to her new school & my instinct is to protect her & smother her in love. But by taking the opportunity to ask for help she has learnt that in listening we can achieve so much more. It is a lesson for us all, feedback truly rocks.
