Are we so entrenched in debates about terminology that we forget the bigger picture? That learning and development is, essentially, about providing help? Leadership coach Matt Somer invites us to ditch the rigid definitions, remove the unnecessary boundaries and see the difference we can make.
I’ve lost count of how many conversations I’ve had that start with this question:
“So, Matt… what exactly do you do?”
Some people ask from genuine curiosity. Others are trying to box me into a category. Am I a coach? A mentor? A consultant? A facilitator? Maybe a hybrid of all the above?
In truth, I’ve come to realise that the people I work with don’t care. Not really. And perhaps we shouldn’t either.
The great terminology tangle
The learning and development world has always loved a good label. We differentiate between coaching, mentoring, advising, teaching, consulting, therapy, and so on. Then we add qualifiers: executive coaching, performance coaching, peer mentoring, shadow consulting. And before you know it, we’re knee-deep in definitions and debates.
Of course, these distinctions matter to us. They help us maintain clarity, boundaries, and standards. But, in my experience, the people on the receiving end are usually far less concerned.
They just want help. They want to solve a problem, make progress, feel better, or succeed. If what you bring helps them do that, you could call it “doing stuff” for all they care.
Nobody’s ever said, “Thanks for the textbook-perfect coaching session.”
When labels become limitations
In my early years, I was quite preoccupied with doing things “by the book”. If I was coaching, then I must never advise. If I was mentoring, I mustn’t ask too many open questions. Consulting was hands-on. Coaching was hands-off. Mentoring was somewhere in the middle.
But rigidly adhering to these rules often got in the way of what the other person truly needed. With experience, I’ve learned to flow between approaches. Not abandon them, just stop clinging to them.
These days, I try to actively listen more closely to what’s really needed and then respond accordingly. Sometimes that means offering a thought or a story. Sometimes it means sitting back and letting a pregnant pause do the heavy lifting.
The “client has all the answers”. Do they really?
You’ll often hear coaching purists say, “The client has all the answers.” It’s a lovely sentiment, but it doesn’t always reflect reality.
When someone is overwhelmed, lost, or spinning out, they may not have any answers at all. What they need is a rubber ring, not a swimming lesson. They need someone to throw them something buoyant – a simple idea, a bit of reassurance, a connection to hope – and then, once afloat again, we can begin the swimming tuition.
The risk of sticking too tightly to methodology is that we become passive at the very moment someone needs our courage. Coaching, especially in leadership, isn’t about withholding insight or sitting on our hands. It’s about knowing how and when to share what we see, without disempowering the person in front of us.
You’re not telling them what to do, you’re offering a perspective they can use or ignore.
It’s not advice versus questions; it’s about timing
I once worked with a leader who told me, “I love the idea of coaching, but I always feel like I’ve got something useful to say.” And my reply was, “Great, then say it, but say it like a coach.”
Coaching isn’t about gagging yourself. It’s about being intentional.
Instead of “You should do this,” a coaching-style leader might say: “Would you be open to hearing something I’ve tried in a similar situation?”
Or:
“This may or may not be useful, but here’s a way I’ve seen this tackled before. What do you think?”
The key is staying curious. Keep the thinking ball in their court. You’re not telling them what to do, you’re offering a perspective they can use or ignore. You’re not claiming the answer, you’re inviting exploration.
Culture eats categories for breakfast
The bigger picture here is organisational culture. If your workplace sees coaching as something remedial – something you get when you’re underperforming, then people will disengage. They’ll play it safe. They’ll pretend they’ve got all the answers.
If, instead, coaching, mentoring, consulting and all the grey areas in between are seen as part of how we develop, then people will be far more open.
Managers need to create a culture where asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. And where giving help doesn’t require a dictionary definition, rather empathy, clarity, and good intent.
A note to internal coaches and coaching leaders
If you’re an internal coach or a leader using coaching skills, this is especially important.
You may wear multiple hats. You might coach someone on Monday, then give them a performance rating on Wednesday. The lines blur. But people aren’t daft. If they know you intend to support and grow them, they’ll welcome your input, regardless of what you call it.
And if you’re clinging to a rigid definition of coaching because you fear “crossing a line,” just remember: the real line is between serving the coachee and serving yourself. As long as your actions stay on the right side of that, you’ll be fine.
In the end…
People don’t want perfect technique. They want progress. They want hope. They want a safe place to think things through.
The tools and frameworks we use as coaches, mentors, or consultants are valuable – but they should serve the relationship, not define it.
Nobody’s ever said, “Thanks for the textbook-perfect coaching session.” What they actually say is, “Thanks. That really helped.”
Isn’t that the whole point?
