FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

1. No one but their creator understands their logic.
   
2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
   
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
   
4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
   
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Here's a list of computer viruses that will have your machine in stiches:

• POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
  
• OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
  
• ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
  
• GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
  
• NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
  
• ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
  
• AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in London, but your data is in Manchester.
  
• STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
  
• HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for £2,000.
  
• ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

You know you are addicted to the internet when..

• You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
  
• Your bookmarks take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
  
• Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
  
• You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
  
• Your night dreams are in HTML.
  
• You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  
• You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
  
• Your dog has its own home page.
  
• You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yes, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus.

Computer helpline calls. Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:

* Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

* I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

* Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

* I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

* Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

* Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

* Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Microsoft's Finest Technician

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honour Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy| /yum~yum:-) gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

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