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Offbeat: The slacker’s guide to 2009


Fed up with all the 'New Year, new you' type features? Sean McPheat looks at the rules and approach you should take to guarantee that you achieve nothing in 2009...

1. Don't set goals: Start the year with no direction and no goals of what you want and just drift along like normal.

2. Listen to the gloom mongers: Wallow in your own self pity and get caught up with all of the excuses of the credit crunch and blame that for any bad luck that you get

3. If at first you don't succeed... give up: When the going gets tough just throw in the towel, it's a lot easier than fighting back

4. Do your own thing: Forget what your prospects and customers want. What do they know?! Just do your own thing without understanding their needs

5. Hire poor people: Why would you want to hire the best people? They know it all, want £50k a year and are a real pain in the ass! Instead, hire numbskulls who know jack and you can be guaranteed that they'll muck everything up for you

6. Being fat is great: Forget about doing things slicker, better, quicker and more efficiently. "Fat is the new thin" make sure that you are overstaffed, pay over the odds and don't shop around for supplier alternatives

7. Half of my advertising is wasted - I just don't know which half: Forget about advertising and forget about marketing - if you've got a good name they'll beat a path to your door anyhow won't they?

8. Talking is over-rated: Why make sure that you've got clear communication lines in place when everyone has got email? I mean, what's the point in talking when you can just ping emails to each other all day long.

9. Busy, busy, busy: Don't delegate any tasks, make sure you do as much as you can as often as you can. It's much better to feel stressed out all of the time and that you look busy. Never walk around with nothing in your hand - always carry a piece of paper, it makes you look far busier.

10. Gear up for 2010: Half way through the year put any major projects "on hold" or recap your strategy in lieu of another year being just around the corner when you can carry out steps 1-10 all over again

Of course, you could always do the complete opposite and become a raving success but we'll leave it up to you...

Sean McPheat is an authority on how to market and sell to the modern buyer of today. Sean works with small and medium sized businesses to help them to optimize their marketing and sales efforts.


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