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Seb Anthony

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Trouble with the office secretary…


I recently hired a new secretary as my old one had to leave suddenly, due to a strange accident, that left her with huge blood loss, and 2 strange puncture wounds to her neck.

I would like to consider myself a good & caring boss, and therefore I kept her coffin, sorry, position... open as long as possible (5 weeks), however the hospital tell me that she looks like the living dead, and that I shouldn't expect to have her floating back on her feet for at least another 2 weeks.

The new secretary arrived 2 days ago and is already out performing the other. I would prefer to keep her on, but don't wish to 'stitch up' the sick one, although that did seem to work with my friend, Frank.

Any advice on this and my legal standing, would be much appreciated.
Count Dracula

4 Responses

  1. “trouble” or an opportunity?
    Esteemed Count,

    I trust that you personally have no responsibility for your late secretary’s sudden hospitalisation and I appreciate that you have a stake in her rapid recovery, However, that she is now being outshone by her replacement suggests that her heart wasn’t really in the job.
    Perhaps you should take a long look in the mirror to assess whether you were somewhat responsible for the predicament you find yourself in.

    You are late, by as much as two sunrises, in posting this question, and I must ask what kind of medical plan you offer to your staff, all members of the the Nosferatu Union.

    As for your associate Frank, I can only suggest a short sharp shock and he might be prepared to lead a lynch mob to sort out the situation on your behalf.

    I don’t believe that you have any legal “standing” as such, a legal “lying in state” or a legal “hanging upside down” is more pertinent in your case.

    Van Helsing
    (Member of the Chartered Institute of Phantom Destruction)

  2. Some suggestions
    a) Drive a stake through your old secretary’s heart or expose her to sunlight (not sure if that’s lawful though).

    b) Sack your old secretary and employ the new one. You might want to set aside a substantial sum of money for the resulting employment tribunal (could fall under disability discrimination).

    b) As you say, you’re a good and caring boss so observing the performance of the new secretary will help you to communicate performance expectations with clarity and confidence to your existing secretary (and of course to identify and address areas for development).

    Although you don’t say how your secretary received those puncture wounds, your reputation precedes you. You might want to refrain from biting your secretaries if you want to stay on the right side of the law. Unless of course you’ve been invited to bite her (although do try to avoid this in work hours).

  3. Dead wood
    My cryptic suggestion would be to get some new blood into the organisation before first light.

    Faye Tally-Wounded

  4. Health & Safety Issue
    Your post states that a strange accident resulted in two puncture wounds in her neck. Any accident in the work place should be carefully investigated. You should consider wearing a special mouth guard at work as a means of prevention.
    Also you have now made your old secretary a vampire so, even if you did manage to extract yourself from whatever contract you have with her, she might bite your new secretary out of spite.


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