How we relate to others is directly connected to how and what we think about ourselves.
A strong but true statement, deeply rooted in the truth of life - that everything is interconnected and interdependent.
It’s certainly my own experience. I come from a very judgemental family. I can still see it in my mother today. When I visit she goes on about all the things that other people say and do which she doesn’t like. She also makes harsh judgements of herself. It’s painful to witness because it’s draining.
Whatever issues people experience they all are a direct function of the inner relationship with themselves
It’s both negative for her and those around her. It is also how I used to be. How sobering it was to discover how critical and deeply unloving I was towards myself and the shadow it cast on my life and my relationships.
This kind of behaviour only creates disconnection with others, inner loneliness and isolation.
So, how do you relate to yourself?
Shedding light on the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves bears a huge opportunity for personal growth and self-worth as well as an understanding of the difference we can make to others and to our contribution in the world.
The best thing we can do for our relationships with others, and with the transcendent…, is to render our relationship to ourselves more conscious. This is not a selfish activity. The greatest gift to others is our own best self. And thus, if we are to serve our relationships well, we are obliged to affirm our individual journey. James Hollis, a Jungian psychoanalyst
‘The greatest gift to others is our own best self’ – I find his insight deeply profound. We need to mark and end the blaming of others for our difficulties and struggles.
To examine our own life, our tendencies, patterns, habits of thinking and behaving is a tall task but one that is well worth undertaking. It holds life changing potential provided that we are willing to take responsibility for ourselves.
It is what I have witnessed these past 13 years of coaching people from all walks of life - leaders, managers, CEOs, employees, professionals, single parents, artists, entrepreneurs... Whatever issues people experience they all are a direct function of the inner relationship with themselves.
The question is: are we willing to look, to have a deeper conversation with ourselves?
The coaching process
At the beginning of the coaching process many clients talk about their outer life and what’s been happening on the surface: conflict or difficult communication with their line-manager or partner, feeling fearful or like an impostor, lost or stuck, stressed or overwhelmed by life.
When we begin to look more closely and go deeper into one’s experience, it becomes clear that the root cause lies in the quality of the inner relationship, the attitudes we bring to ourselves such as courage, curiosity, humility and compassion.
Being humble, is our ability to honestly look at our shortcomings, shadow aspects as well as at the things we value and appreciate about ourselves
There are other attitudes like honesty, acceptance, patience, trust, non-striving but courage, curiosity, humility and compassion are – in my view – the key attitudes to develop if one wants to grow, mature and experience transformation – that is the enlargement of self by becoming an aware, responsive, connected, integrated and conscious person.
I feel so passionate about helping people come into a radically compassionate relationship with themselves for the benefit of the people they live and work with and the contribution they want to make to the world we live in.
It’s been my own practice for many years now and the question to myself remains the same: Can I radically and completely accept, love and appreciate myself as I am? Sometimes I feel I do, at other times I can still hear the inner critic telling me that I’m not good enough, that I shouldn’t be needy for love… that I should just get on with it…
The good news is that I don’t have to believe my inner critic anymore but see it as a habit of the mind that I can change.
Four crucial attitudes
We need courage to look at ourselves completely without leaving anything out (qualities and shortcomings alike). Courage requires a sturdy, open, loving, (non-judgemental), kind and compassionate heart.
Curiosity allows us to make sense of situations or people that challenge us vs beating ourselves up or blaming others. Curiosity always comes from an open mind that asks the question: What’s happening here that’s made me react in this way? That’s made me feel angry, fearful, aggrieved, reactive…? What else? And what else?
Humility, being humble, is our ability to honestly look at our shortcomings, shadow aspects as well as at the things we value and appreciate about ourselves. Being humble means being able to act in accordance with the needs of the situation, without concern for one’s own importance.
And compassion means ‘feeling with’ - it’s the ability to willingly accept (this is an active act not passive act) one’s own and others suffering and difficulty.
Motivation and intention are key to compassion. The motivation and intention to address related suffering without needing to fix ourselves or others.
Think of a role model to you, someone in your life you admire and who embodies and lives these attitudes
To practice these attitudes, you could:
1. Remember a time when you felt courageous, curious, humble and/or compassionate. These attitudes are intrinsic to our human capacity; i.e. they are already in us. Sometimes we just need to reignite and reteach ourselves those qualities.
When you remember a time, fully relive the sense of courage, curiosity, humility or compassion: what does it feel like in the body, what do you think, what do you say, how do you say it, how do you behave?
2. Think of a role model to you, someone in your life you admire and who embodies and lives these attitudes. It could be a colleague, friend, mentor, teacher, author, actor, public figure. What do you notice about how they communicate, how they behave, what views might they hold about themselves, others and life?
Set the stopwatch on your phone to two minutes and write everything down you admire about them (a word of caution here: avoid slipping into comparing here, that’s not the exercise; comparing is despairing).
3. Begin to practice those qualities daily – one at a time. You could spend a moment at the beginning of the day setting an intention:
- Today I will practice courage and face up to my fears and worries and share them with a trusted person… or
- Today I will have an open mind and be curious about work and life and the people I interact with… (and notice my preconceived views, assumptions…)
- Today I will admit to my shortcomings vs brushing over them… or
- Today I will accept my unpleasant or difficult feelings as they are with compassion (it’s human and other people feel like this) … or
- Today I will see my colleagues or family members in their entirety - their qualities and struggles – and listen carefully without fixing or needing to change them
If you want to develop these attitudes and examine the relationship you have with yourself, contact me for an initial complimentary coaching conversation karen@greenspacecoaching.com.
